Past, Present, Future

This is how we work:
the past was good
the present is bad
the future will be good when it happens.


This is certainly how I feel pretty much every day: life can't get much worse - and my life isn't even that bad! I've got a home, got a job - what's the problem? Well, I suck at my job and this affects everything else.Therefore I feel the following:

the past was good because I did not have to work
the present is bad because I do have to work
the future will be good because I can stop work

When you think about it, this is a pretty poor attitude to have because you are constantly living in the slump of your life So what can be done to change the status quo?

I. Number one, I could kill myself. The easy way out. Worryingly, I've actually had some fantisies about this. Thoughts of taking some sort of pills and drowing in my bath, deliberately crashing my car on the way home from work or, the latest one, being trampled to death by raging protesters at the teacher's rally this Saturday (26th). That last one is very Kafkaesque and would make good writing, I'm sure. But these are just FANTASIES; to mis-quote Cypress Hill I ain't goin' out like that .

II. Change your attitude! In reality:
the past was just a great / awful as the present - that's nostalgia, boyee
the future is a good / bad as you make it ...

This is the tricky bit. It's easy to fantasise about death, it's hard to do the next bit! ...

so what can be done to make the present good?

1. Wake up right - tba

2. Preparing for work - tba

3. The drive to work - tba

4. Work itself - tba

5. Going home - tba

6. Home work - tba

7. Sleep - tba

My dream set list

So me, Rob and Ben are looking to form a band; me on guitar (and I presume vox), Rob on bass (the "dad guitar") and Ben on drums. They are much better players than me but it's all about the fun.

I was thinking, what would my ideal setlist be? The only conditions are that I must be able to play the song!


1. Misfits - 'Hydrid Moments': http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MDOKVSN_YM


2. Rammones - 'I don't want to grow up': http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=inpKD4vXxZ4


3. Black Flag - 'I've Had It': http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7b00ipgXEf8


4. The Offspring - 'All I Want': http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFF14JBtmu8


5. Duane Peters and the Hunns - 'Skate Away' with 'Hunn's Anthem' and 'Skate Away' reprise:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pu2V4657TBI&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bv8SlvPJuWQ&feature=related


6. Rancid - 'Golden Gate Fields': http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xthGd8deuB8


7. Descendents - 'Thank You': http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8K4hjaB6Ok

IV.

OUR HEROES ACTUALLY TRY RAPPER DANCING

Being literary types, we chose pub number three because of its name: “Far from the Madding Crowd”. A disappointingly modern building, but the tankards of beer and cider made up for it.

We met the team that would go on to win a slew of awards, the Manchester Kingsmen, here. They were great fun: northern, loud, friendly and slightly pickled. Although they were raucously light-hearted, they also retained a competitive edge, asking about how the other teams had faired earlier in the day. They were also impressed with our attempts at scoring.

They made a real entrance, charging onto the stage, roaring and brandishing their rappers above their heads. We were all very impressed with their performance: fine footwork, sword-play, tumbling and an engaging Tommy – even a Betty that would not have looked out of place on a rugby field (except for the pink dress and tickler). Naturally, and to their delight, we scored them highly.

It was members of the Kingsmen that taught us our first steps of rapper dancing. Pure Aled and Kevin of course, talking to the dancers, drink flowing – it was inevitable that we would eventually pick up the rappers and have a go ourselves!
First thing we learnt to do was hold the rapper properly. You grasp your own rapper in your right hand and the rapper of the person in front of you in your left (!) making sure that your knuckles are on the top (overhand hold). Next, we learnt some steps. Just imagine Morris-dancing-type twirling or maypole etc. etc. We then made a breastplate-like shape. This has probably got some sort of name. Check it out:



(Left to Right: Aled, Kevin, me)

It was amazing and we will always be indebted to the Kingsmen for providing us with a wonderful, unique experience.

III.

OUR HEROES BECOME A BIT MORE INTERESTED IN RAPPER CULTURE

As you know, rapper is a load of men in the pub jumping around with swords to blistering folk music. Most people would be a little curious about this – considering a trip to the pub right now? But still weighing up the pros and cons? Ok. Now replace the rapper dances, which you imagine to beery old men, with stunningly attractive young women. Interested?
But is rapper actually sexy? Yes! To dance rapper you need confidence, and fearless streak, a dash of lewdity, slugs of booze, and a real sense of fun – what is not attractive about that?

And that was our experience of Star and Shadow, an all girl (all cute as buttons) rapper troupe. Needless less to say the lads and I were entranced by their energetic, gin-soaked, somewhat raunchy display (what red-blooded male is not stirred by a flash of bloomers?) as the defining moment of the festival. Needless to say, the letches had their video phones out.

We also saw Black Swan Rapper. We had been had hear that they were pretty tight and they did command some respect, pulling off some fine skillz. However, we did witness the dropping of a rapper (illegal move – mark ‘em down ferret) and one of the lads got cut on the cheek, a scratch from a whirling blade. Rapper dancers are always getting cut up – what do you expect from dancing with dirty great swords for fun? – but the rappers themselves are not like sabres or anything; more like non-serrated breadknives with handles at either end. The blades, which are about two foot long, are still pretty sharp though and they move at some speed. I wouldn’t like to be shanked by one!

Despite this drop, Black Swan were pretty good and we all agreed that things were looking up. It was one o’clock and the beer had started to flow.

Star and Shadow are on Facebook:

II.

OUR HEROES ACTUALLY FIND OUT WHAT RAPPING IS

“We don’t want to go in there, guys.” Said the barman who looked like a student.

“Actually, we are kinda here for the festival.” We said.

Could he have guessed that three young men had visited his city to watch men in waistcoats and shorts dancing about with knives?

We got there just in time to watch our first ever rapper dance. The team was Stone Monkey from ... There was no time to find seats, so we stood close to the action, feeling slightly out of place. However, we soon got into it once the dancing started. One thing that we hadn’t counted on was the flips. These are called “tumbling”, I think, and they add instant awesome to any dance routine ever: flips will always be cool. A great first rapper!

I think that we were fortunate to see Stone Monkey first, as they were followed by Dorset Button who were, in comparison, a bit lack-lustre. Their dance had a theme – Dad’s Army – which they did a little too well: shuffling footwork akin to Private Godfrey and Corporal Jones.

After these two shows, Aled, Kevin and I got a chance to talk to the Stone Monkey team – what I loved about the whole festival is how friendly everyone was – and we found about how the DERT competition actually works. As far as I remember, the teams are judged on a number of different technical categories. We used this information to judge the subsequent rapper dances we saw over the weekend. The categories included footwork, sword-work, acrobatics (air time!) and atmosphere – this is called “buzz” in the rapper world and refers to how the dancers pump the crowd. If the stamping, sword-play and tumbles were not enough to send a beery crowd into whoops of ecstasy, there is one other element of rapper that I have not mentioned yet.

Most rapper teams have a hype-man to introduce them and get the crowd worked up, a tradition that, one would presume, was passed down from the first rapper dances. We can see this kind of thing spanning various genres of modern music: Flava Flav (Public Enemy – “Yeah Boyee!”), Erotic Volvo (Misty’s Big Adventure) and Bez (Happy Mondays). In rapper these characters are called “Tommys”. They are easy to distinguish from the dancers as they have their own distinctive look which can vary from the formal to the thematic or the comical. There are also female equivalents to Tommys: “Bettys”. Bettys, more likely than not a bearded man in drag, add more comic or narrative aspects to the rapper which can be affective if you find pantomime dames hilarious... The best Tommys / Betties interact with the crowd in a spontaneous manner, like a front man would do at a gig, and when it words it really works!

For each team that we watched, we marked them out of five for each category in order to find the best team. This also meant that we focused much more on the dancing and we got a lot of respect from the regulars we shared our ideas with!

Rapper’s Delight: DERT 2011. Part 1

OUR HEROES ARE RE-UNITED

What is rapping?
I’m no expert but, as far as I know, rapping is sword dancing invented by northern miners, performed in pubs. The tradition was dying out until some guy created the DERT festival, a national tournament that has rejuvenated the sport. This year it was hosted in Oxford.

Why did we go?
There were several reasons that we went to this seemingly random festival. We are all partial to a bit of folk: whilst we were at uni, Aled and I went to a hurdy-gurdy festival, a euphoric experience for both of us, and Kevin has the Irish connection or something... he’s a cultural man anyway.

It was a bit of a reunion for us. I hadn’t seen the lads since a wedding of our dear friends Aled and Jo Seago in the summer. We needed something big to get the old gang together. An adventure – comparable to the stuff that we got up to in Lancaster: DERT was it.

How Aled found out about DERT was a bit of a mystery to me – I presumed he had found it during a Google binge but unbeknownst to me, he also had some ulterior motives for journeying to Oxford...

Who went?
Instead of picking me up from Oxford station they hid behind the information desk giggling and waiting to jump out at me. Aled and Kevin’s circumstances have changed a lot in a year, but they are still the same precocious boys that I remember from university.
Aled still wears his heart on his sleeve, fawning over raven-haired beauties we pass in the street with awed whispers of “sweet wiggens”. He looked resplendent – if a little like a character out of a Belgian newspaper cartoon – in his tweed jacket, pastel blue skinnies and red shoes. As usual, his satchel contained a drawing pad and a fine selection of artist pens.

Kevin has also not changed. The same generous, rambunctious, thoughtful and mischievous Londoner he always was – although he does seem to have a fascination with Twitter. A sign of the times. I did not know that he had lived in Oxford before, running a restaurant there. There was rumour of eating at Jamie’s Italian, making the most of Kevin’s ‘I know Jamie’ discount, but instead we plumped for the cheap (but tasty nonetheless) option: bagels and salad that famous ice cream place.

And of course, there was me. Have I changed? More haggard yes but still wearing an Archie Fan Club T-shirt and looking like a hobo in my civies. This weekend has been a real breath of fresh air. The first week back from half term has been a real shock to the system – I’m fed up of the constant failure to meet my expectations that seems to be my job at the moment. So it was nice to do something completely different, instead of marking my year 10s’ controlled assessments or my year 12s’ coursework (whoops!).

DERT Oxford website: http://www.dert2011.co.uk/
Aled's blog: "Bearded Knitting"
Kevin on Twitter: BigChefKevoir